Monday, January 6, 2014

Monday Meditation

I've been thinking a lot about anxieties and my own crippling self doubt. Particularly with starting this blog. It's difficult to put yourself out there and try to come up with new and interesting content that you hope people will see and read and want to engage with you about.

It's even more difficult to then tell people you know, friends and family that you've done this thing. That you hope they'll see and read these things you've written, that they'll support you in this endeavor.

The thing about anxiety is, it doesn't make sense. They're even more useless fears than regular fears (like being afraid of snakes, planes or snakes on planes.) With anxiety you're afraid of the "could-be's" and the "what-ifs." The likelihood of these fears coming to pass are slim to none. That doesn't make them any less terrifying, that doesn't make them go away.

And people who don't suffer from anxiety just don't get it. They say "just don't worry about it." or "Why are you freaking out about this thing that you have no control over anyway?"

                                           "Think about rainbows, rainbows are nice..."

Because freaking out gives me a measure of control, I feel like if for some reason, the worst scenario actually DOES come to pass, hell even if there is nothing I can do about it, well at least I knew it was coming.

I've been afraid of starting this blog for so long now. Because I was afraid that I would have nothing to say, or that what I did have to say no one would want to hear (or read). I've been most afraid of being judged (for what I have to say, and most importantly how I say it...I worry about my grammar a lot).

But I've just decided to remind myself everyday that in the end, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. This is something that I want to do and have wanted to do for so long. I have thoughts and ideas that I want to share with the world, even if the world chooses to ignore me. At least I'm going to try and get my ideas and my stories and my words out there.

And if people choose to comment on my bad grammar, well that's just a chance for me to learn better grammar.


  1. Hah, I love it already! That grammar bit was klutch (a term I'm sure has only ever been used in the movie "Mean Girls").

    1. Also, I've come to realize that I am too in fact a very anxious person especially if that buzzfeed link is any sign since a good majority of those feelings are true for me. One example being that I refuse to read The Shining unless during the light of day as well as thinking that any awkwardness was caused by me. I chill out when I read about Zen or Cheryl Strayed's book Wild <---imagine it's underlined, because I want my life another way, for my anxieties to go away. Meaning that one day I would be able to go hiking/camping by myself like Strayed (great book by the way!), or Muir or Emerson get the point.

  2. I completely identify with you on the anxieties giving a measure of control. I'm glad you started the blog, and I'm excited to read more from you.